perfect timing for a saint?

April 23, 2011

This I Believe draft I. I’m not actually going to pass this in, but I had a great time writing it. After reading, you may feel the urge to tell me what an obnoxious, useless loser I am.

I believe I am better than you. And I don’t mean “I believe” like “I think.” I mean “I believe” like “I believe in this enough to start my own cult.” Really, it’s nothing personal. Well, it is, but you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself. I think the first thing that I should say is this: it’s not that I’m better than you because you’re especially bad or not good, or anything like that. It’s simply the fact that I am so much the perfect human being that you really have no hope in any kind of comparison competition. You may be fairly good yourself, even great maybe, some of you, a few of you, but you’re no Mark Mauriello, and you’ll learn to live with that some day. I promise.

You may be thinking: but why? Why, Mark, are you so much better than I am? I’ll tell you why. Let’s begin with my body. I’m a person who’s just generally nice to look at. And then there’s my hair. Have you ever seen hair as luscious and golden as mind? Hair that flips out perfectly on one side, and then flips with a little bit of a defect on the other side? But enough about my sex appeal. I want to talk about my spirit.

Have you ever encountered a person so giving, so caring, so genuine? I say this with the upmost humility: my personality shines like no other. When I walk in a room, you know. When I make a joke, you laugh. When you see the shimmering glimmer of a tear in my eye, your heart breaks more than it does when you see that Sarah McLachlan music video with the dogs in cages.

I just cannot seem to get over how amazing I am. With an attitude like this, no one else may ever love me, but that’s alright. I love myself enough. I love myself so much that it’s like I have a whole hoard of sister wives, only those sister wives are just me. I am my own Mormon fantasy.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow, Mark Mauriello is reading to me. I am so humbled, so honored, so nervous being in the presence of such unspeakable beauty and perfection. My ears and my soul have been blessed.” You want to say, “Thank you, Mark, for caring enough about others to be here, reaching out to people who could never hope to be anything like you, you paragon of humanity.”

All I have to say is you’re welcome.

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4 Responses to “perfect timing for a saint?”

  1. emmuhhs Says:

    i derived great enjoyment from this in the macy’s dressing room.

  2. marypopkens Says:

    i see you’ve changed the opening statement….


  3. i will pay you $20 to hand this in…

  4. maarkm Says:

    my teacher’s already read it.


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