and the award for most undesirable place to live goes to?

January 26, 2010

Ahh, okay, so yesterday afternoon, I had the honor and privilege of viewing the newest Lifetime movie, The Pregnancy Pact. What a gem. “Loosely” based on the teen pregnancies last year in Gloucester, it was filled with unnecessary ridiculousness, horrible acting, and plenty of teen sex. And I ate that shit up.

starring..? who are they? and does anyone care?

During the movie, it was officially deemed necessary that I blog about this hot mess, so I kept some notes. Now, because I’m lazy, you get my notes. So here they are, spruced up a bit. Instead of doing some real composition and compiling them into a cohesive review, I’m just going to leave them bulleted. Now, you’ll get a nice play-by-play, and a rare glimpse into what I’m really thinking.

  • Off to a bad start. The main character’s a ginger? I mean, come on. We can’t expect anything of quality to come from her. Can they even reproduce?
  • And, even though we’re in Gloucester and not Boston, I’m disappointed in the lack of bad accents. Have you ever notices that whenever Boston is on TV or in a movie, everyone has horrible accents, is a maniacal sports fan, has an attitude, and doesn’t ever make full sense when they speak?
  • Loving the very much needed twenty seconds of smoking while pregnant.
  • Come on, Camryn Manheim. I expect higher standards out of you. It’s too bad you’re the only tolerable thing about this film and you disappear a half hour in and never come back.
  • Since when do bloggers do investigative journalism? I have a blog. Should I travel to Idaho and get the inside scoop on this year’s potato harvest?
  • So, they boyfriend is just a Jonas Brother. Which is great because of all of the irony there. Teen pregnancy. Promise ring. Swell work, Nick/Joe/Kevin.
  • This blogger girl talks to herself far too much. She also has a tendency to say the worst things at the most inconvenient times. Someone’s pretty lucky.
  • Love the Salem State reference.
  • Teenagers don’t make out that much in real life. Even in Gloucester. That’s just unhealthy.
  • This bitch has a killer soundtrack. I want this on CD. And I want it to play every time I get pregnant.
  • What’s with that random overly-friendly mom outside of the in-school daycare? “Hello stranger, I’m going to hand you my child, tell you all about him, and give you a deep insight into my inner thoughts and feelings. Then, continue about my day.”
  • The boyfriend just used “freak” as an insult. Perfect. He’s totally a Brother Jonas.
  • Chickie wore that peace sign t-shirt two days in a row. I know you’re a whore and all, but be aware of your personal hygiene.

    nice film crew...

  • I’m a tad too excited about the school committee scenes. For those who don’t know, I’m a DIE HARD school committee meeting fan. I sit down in front of RCTV with a bowl of popcorn and watch those bitches argue about SmartBoards, cutting sports, and deciding where to hang the kindergarteners’ “artwork.”
  • “I should have pulled out every time or figured out where to get a condom.” Oh Lord, Jonas, 50 points from Gryffindor. You’re seventeen. I know for a fact that there are convenience stores in Gloucester. Put on some sunglasses, grow some balls, and pick up some Trojans, extra small.
  • Is it a boy or a girl? Pick one.
  • Now we’re pregnant and drinking. Awesome decision making, Chuckster.
  • There is no one in this world with the name Iris.
  • I like how they buy the condoms like penny candy. Coming off a toilet paper roll behind the front counter, looking like cellophane-wrapped lollipops. How classy. Like that shit’s not going to snap in half before you get it in.
  • “This is all my fault isn’t it.” Well, yeah. You have a child inside of you, Chuckie.
  • I’m all about open discussion of “tearing” and “breast sores.”
  • Let’s take a moment to address bump chronology. It took like months to appear, then all of a sudden it’s just there and kickin’. And then I swear it goes away for a few scenes. And it never gets really big enough for there to be a normal child in there, perhaps something the size of a field mouse. And then the bitch pops one out. Hmm.

There you have it. In conclusion, I’ll be taking bets on who’s next to get preggo at RMHS.

and the winner for most undesirable place to live is?

5 Responses to “and the award for most undesirable place to live goes to?”

  1. lalaroux Says:

    this was killer except for the ginger jab (oooh i like the way that sounds) you asshole. (jk but not really)

    Now excuse me while I go get impregnated.

  2. emmuhhs Says:

    so as I went along, I meant to reiterate every little phrase you used that I particularly liked. but then I ran out of memory.

  3. caitlin Says:

    first of all, this was wonderful.
    second of all, i was totally on your mind when you were writing this.
    a. “Can they even reproduce?”
    you totally saw my comment about that on facebook. copycat.
    b. “Should I travel to Idaho and get the inside scoop on this year’s potato harvest?”
    I’m an Idahoan. (?)
    c. The many Jonas Brother references
    Joe Jonas is my boyfriend.
    d. The pregnancy themed blog.
    I’m….. pregnant.


  4. maarkm Says:

    is it mine??! we can’t have you giving birth out of wedlock…

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